Bismillahirrahmanirrahim
Fuhh fuhhh tiup habuk. Fortunately i still remember the password. Haha
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.
I'm unofficially graduated!
After all these 7 years, akhirnya kan dpt habiskan this undergraduate journey. Ya Allah. Masih tak sangka. This blog has been with me since zaman sekolah sampai la dah habis university. Terharu seh.
Walaupun post hanya setahun sekali. Tapi bole la concludes my journey in UIA. Haha
So. What to say about my Year 5?
Full with ups and downs. A total roller coaster.
Final year kot. Mmg tough gile. Paling tough sepanjang 7 tahun belajar.
Tak terkira berapa kali nangis. Berapa kali rase nak give up. Berapa kali rase mcm bodoh sgt.
Pernah hampir tahap depressed kot. Okay. Hampir sebab tak cukup kriteria to diagnose MDD. Tapi the depression is real. Thought of suicidal tu hampir ade tapi alhamdulillah iman senipis kulit bawang ni masih ade untuk prevent.
To go through all 5 postings in Year 5, plus the duration for each posting tu paling pendek sepanjang belajar ni. 2 months je weh. Kau kena khatamkan everything dlm that posting and doctors expect you know everything already. Plus kena kejar requirement logbook. Mana lagi masa nak study, ward works, prepare seminars presentations, study sendiri kt bilik. Selalunye study sendiri tu yg terkorban. Haha. But alhamdulillah Allah permudahkan. I have never fail any block and posting sepanjang 5 tahun ni. Alhamdulillah. Walaupun takde dpt distinction, hampir distinction tu ade and i'm already proud of myself sbb tu achievement plg tinggi utk diri sendiri. Semua berkat doa Ummi Abah families and kawan sbb diri sendiri punya usaha mmg tak banyak mana. Patients pun sama, doa dorang yg termakbul kot. Ya Allah. Moga dibalas je jasa diorang tolong doakan budak ni. Huhu
And it's all about rezeki. My Final Professional Exam is all about rezeki.
Sebelum tu, study weeks before Final Pro Exam lah paling hectic paling haywire hidup hoi. Mcm zombie, mayat hidup. Emosi tak stabil. Makan tak tentu. Tidur tak tentu arah. Kawan and family la plg byk support kot. Huhu. Alhamdulillah am surrounded with good people.
And my Final Pro Exam.
Sebelum tu, for every end of posting exam, i'm the 2nd day turn, until proven otherwise. Dari Year 3 sampai la Year 5, mmg exam 2nd day. Jd dah biasa ade gap between exam theory and exam clinical.
Tp Final Pro Exam. 1st time dpt turn 1st day! Ya Allah denial state tu jgn ckp. Sampai menangis kot. Sbb takut x sempat prepare. Berdebar mcm mane boleh ke exam 1st day ni. Nonstop kena study dari exam theory sampai clinical. Usually adr masa extra one day study utk clinical kan. Ni straight lepas habis exam theory terus prepare exam clinical the next morning.
But Allah knows best for me. Eventhough tu 1st time dpt 1st day, i can do it.
Tp mmg nazak la jgk. Dah la sakit kepala lepas exam theory yg susah tu. Terus sambung study utk long case 1st day. X tido kot mlm tu. Ingat lg. Nk tido x bole sbb berdebar sgt. Pagi exam tu ya Allah sakit dada sakit perut bagai. Dah la group last dipanggil utk masuk clerking. Perasaan tgk group awal-awal, dgr nama dorang dipanggil, bg number tag, dibawa keluar, ya Allah berdebar tu rase mcm nk tercabut jantung. 4 5 kali pegi toilet kot.
Long case dpt case yg x baca langsung mase study week pro. Hanya sisa ingatan masa Year 3. Huhu. Tp alhamdulillah dpt examiners yg sgt sgt baik masyaAllah. Walaupun awal-awal masuk bilik examiners dah cuak sbb 1st time kena present dpn 4 examiners, time exam biasa sorang je examiner. Lepastu time tgh sell diagnosis, i knew it they want that diagnosis yg i x baca lgsg tu. Haish. Lepastu terus terang ckp i didn't know much about that disease sbb i didn't revise on that beforehand. Tp doctors baikkk ya Allah dorang ckp it's okay we'll help you don't worry. Mmg x baca lgsg, mmg x terkeluar la jawapan yg dorang nak kan. Tapi dorang bertungkus lumus bg hints so that i can answer correctly. Thank you Prof Yusof, Mr Syuk, Dr Khairulnisa and Dr Siti Nur. Huhu. Sbb i thought i didn't performed well, lepas long case exam tanye Dr Khairulnisa (she was my mentor during O&G posting), how was my performance. Her words sgt calming and pesan just focus on short cases jgn fikir dah yg ni. Think positive. Huhu
Okay habis 1st day long case. Smpt balik lelap mata sebelum asar kejap. Lepastu sambung pulun baca and practise for short exam keesokan harinya. Pun sama x tido jgk weh.
And my short cases. Alhamdulillah. I could say my best kot. Doctors pun baik gile. 3 short cases back to back. 1st 10 min, short case paeds, tgh berdebar lg, tp doc bg masa relax then pum pang pum pang jawab soalan nonstop. Habis masa, okay gerak ke 2nd short case. Sepanjang berjalan ke 2nd case duk berzikit nonstop. 2nd short case gynae, it's hard to appreciate the mass but the questions sgt leading and i could answer well too. Tingg bunyi jam habis masa, jalan ke 3rd case, a bit jauh, sudahhh case hernia. Case yg practise 2 3 kali je kt real patient. Tp nasib baik Doc baik, dia je selalu buat-buat tanye and masa tu kita tahu ade buat salah and sempat perbetulkan. Soalan2 pun soalan basic eventhough ade masa blur jugak sbb tgh cuak dpt case hernia case yg jrg buat. But overall alhamdulillah.
Lepastu legaaa. We are the earliest group to finish final pro exam. Eventhough azabnye utk 3 days nonstop study tak cukup tido. Lepastu balik qada tido and relax sementara org lain tgh struggle utk 3rd day. Haha
Tapi kami diuji dgn kawan2 yg kena reexamine. Masa ni baru tahu masa ni la sepatutnya true friends kan. Kita nk grad sesama. Jd sesama bantu satu sama lain. Study sesama. Tolong berdebar sesama. I was so worried with Husna as she got reexamined. Kita yg x bole tido. Pagi sebelum Husna gi hospital, semua org hantar kt bilik dia like semua org bangun awal kot sbb berdebar utk Husna padahal time tu lepas exam semua org balas dendam bangun lambat. And even i sent her to hospital, and tunggu dlm surau sampai dia habis exam. Menunggu tu lg takut, doa x berhenti2 agar Allah tolong dia dan kawan2 lain.
And result day. Time Dean announce satu-satu nama. Berdebar lg sekali. And my name was announced lambat kot. I'm the last 30 names from 150 names. Mane x cuak weh. Ingatkan nama x dipanggil dah means failed. Mase tu org kt tepi-tepi dah kena panggil, i cried already ya Allah perasaan tu takut sgt. Terbayang harapan Ummi Abah family semua. Alhamdulillah nama kena panggil jugak.
Mase tu Dean sebut
"DR NUR FARAH SYUHADA BINTI MOHAMAD"
Lega. Gembira. Alhamdulillah.
Turns out rupanya nama dipanggil according to ranking, paling lambat panggil tu maknanya ranking atas. And my rank is 30/150. Another my highest achievement sepanjang MBBS. Walaupun kt sekolah rilek je dpt ranking top 10, tp bila masuk med school kau la manusia plg bodoh tau. Ranking selalu antara corot-corot tu. Haha. Jadi bila tahu ranking top 30, tu pun dah happy gile. Ya Allah nikmat mana lg yg aku harus dustakan. Kau yg Maha Melihat usahaku, dan berikan lebih dari apa yg aku usahakan. Huhu
Betul la Mr Chan cakap. "You will never forget your final pro exam". Yes Doc, memori final pro exam akan ingat sampai bila-bila. Tapi bila org tanye sanggup lalui lagi sekali tak, taknakkk wehhhhh cukup la sekaliii! Perit. Perit.
Byk lg nk membebel ni. Hehe. Bg can la. Jarang post kan.
Alhamdulillah. Study setel.
Other thing? Hmmm
Yes. I decided to stop waiting for that person. 8 years of nothing. I hold on to something that wasn't there anymore. Yes. It's there in the beginning but the string putus somehow. I'm the one yg menjaga hati je tunggu dia rupanya dia tak. So please move on Ada.
Bila dah decide tu. Benda lain pun jadi. Masa tgh heartbreak, ramai la pulak confess tetiba kan. Weh asal sebelum ni mcm aku x laku je. Haha
But this one guy. InsyaAllah moga ini yg terbaik. I don't know. Istikharah a lot. Setiap hari selalu menangis sbb taktau ape Allah nk tunjuk, yg mana satu, kenapa time ni ramai pulak and takut nk pilih sbb takut tersalah pilih.
Somehow, this one morning, bangun-bangun je, okay, i think this is the guy. Boleh decide mcm tu je. Bole tolak org-org lain. Yg parents kenenkan, yg hampir dtg merisik, yg kawan kenenkan, yg private message kt insta fb, yg even from baitulmuslim tetiba mak usrah jd org tgh.
But it's not all bed of roses. Awal-awal mcm happy je. Tak sangka ade org nak kt kita ni. Haha. Awal-awal layan baik punya. Tapi dugaan tu mesti ade kan. Sometimes taktau ni betul ke x. Sometimes taktau dia ni masih syg kt kita ke x. Yes. Those times ade. But, doakan yg baik-baik ajelah. I rejected many people kot. Jgn lah tersalah pilih. Huhu
For you. I know you don't read this pun. From bottom of my heart. Sy doa sgt sgt moga ini yg terbaik. Moga dipermudahkan urusan kita sampai diijabkabulkan. Kita tahu lambat lg. Tp please treat me how you treat me before. Please.
Kadang-kadang sampai terfikir, ke aku ni demanding sgt, susah nk jaga sgt, and awak mcm terpaksa je. Kalau awak terpaksa je, i have to let you go. Taknak la you are holding on sbb rase kesian kt sy je. Huhu. Tp bila terfikir kena let you go, sebak nye huhu. Perasaan tu x rela tp terpaksa.
Harap sgt takde org baca. Haha. Luahan hati sgt ni.
Okay. Sekian bebelan utk tahun ni. Doakan urusan selepas ini dipermudahkan. Next year dah dpt kerja ke. Dpt kawen ke. Who knows. Rezeki Allah dah susun. Doakan yg baik-baik.
So this is the new beginning.
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